Saturday 2nd October, 2010
LYMINGTON MARINERS 14
TOTTONIANS 20
The stage was set, an unusually large crowd had gathered for the game clutching various items of household bric-a –brac. Some wag had added ‘road show’ to the poster announcing that ‘Tottonians Antiques’ were in
town! As the wily old boys from Totton arrived, Lymington had already taken to the field of dreams and were warming up! Far from being all the gear and no idea, these fellas were (as the game would prove) very good. It seemed like most of
the cast of ‘glee’ were trotting out to play in their backs, Owen Cavell's Rugby Idol had obviously paid dividends!
Totts took to the field and the cunning old warm up man ‘Snake Hip James’ lulled the hosts into a trance-like state watching our ‘Jurassic Park’ warm up routine. After a couple of puffs on the inhalers Totts set off on our usual
pace. Unfortunately, Lymington had been guzzling back far too much Red Bull and started like a house on fire. A long punt out of defence found the Lymington full back, who must be related to a greyhound (with much better hair), and he scorched a
path through the bewildered defence to touch down and this was duly converted 7 – 0. Back came the Mariner’s again, resulting in poor ‘Pumpy Pegler’ being caught red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar. He
was sent packing to the bin,to contemplate his crime and brush up on his ‘Polish For Beginners’. Right now, the Tottonians were not staring down the barrel of a gun, we were smoking it! But like all good prize fighters we hung on until we were
back up to fifteen men again. ‘Dickie Try’ and ‘Mad Dog Taylor’ brilliant in scramble defence. As the half wore on, the front three comprising Coff, Dave Almighty and Dickie were winning the ‘Gurn-off’ with the opposite front row
and were starting to exert their superiority. ‘Farmer Dolbear’ went on a storming run towards the wood side of the pitch. Unbeknown to him, a sniper was waiting in the undergrowth and duly shot him (apparently he had sold him some
dodgy sausages at the farmers' market the previous week) — a serious blow to the engine room. Thankfully ‘Charlie Palmer’ the human cannonball replaced him. ‘Pitbull’, noting that the Captain's new kid on the block was
on the field, took his game to another level. As the half drew to a close another Herculean effort from the magnificent eight Coff, God, Dickie, Del, Mr Wilkes, Gomez, Pitbull and Scrapper Angell were that good they deserved an individual
mention, drove up the field for Scrapper to finish off at short range. Pumpy converted, 7 – 7, game on half time.
Bud McGoo, who had arrived late to the game after a lover's tiff with his sat nav and ended up at a retirement home in Highcliff for the visually impaired, replaced Gomez. Going down the hill second half, Totts were starting to
exert some pressure and we started to get up a head of steam. This resulted in six points from a penalty, followed by a drop goal from ‘Snake Hips’ mainly because he didn’t have the energy to run it again, 7 – 13.
Once again the Mariners, who had looked dangerous on the counter all day, came back strongly. ‘Billy Whizz’ at No.15 for the Mariners went on a searing run and set up a try to nudge them in front, 14 – 13. ‘Snake-hips
James’ asked the referee one too many times “does my bum look big in this?” and was duly dispatched to the bin. Now with two Angells on the pitch the game turned in Totts favour, ‘Mr Wilkes’ was now dominant in the line out, with
Pitbull and Charlie ‘wrecking ball’ Palmer punching big holes in the mid field. At one stage he was marauding down the pitch with three hapless Mariners hanging on for their lives. Pitbull went on a mazy run down the pitch, as
if somebody was tampering with his horizontal and vertical hold, and you sensed that maybe the tide was turning our way, not even allowing a missed penalty to affect our game. Tottonians had a try disallowed when El Cap was adjudged to be held
up, but maybe justice was done because prior to that, in the build up, Pumpy had knocked on more times than on heaven's door. As the game reached its finale, Totts were camped inside the Mariner’s twenty-two. After some fine work by the
Mighty Eight, Cannon Ball Palmer burrowed deep below a mêlée of Mariners to score. He might now be going the Chile next week to help the cause. Pumpy converted, 14 – 20. The mighty Totts
played out the final minutes of a bruising encounter to emerge victorious.
To their credit, the Mariners were gracious in defeat and they will go on to much greater and better things without doubt.
I would just like to say that it is days like these that make me proud to be a Tott. Your efforts have made an old man deliriously happy, sad I know but I love you all.
El Capitano.
Saturday 14th November, 2009
TOTTONIANS 19
CHINEHAM II 12
(Report copied verbatim from Chineham's website)
As the 12PM Ferry to the IOW from Southampton was cancelled, Chineham 2nds and Tottonian 4th who were both at the docks waiting to travel to play opposition on the island, agreed to a friendly back at Tottonians ground. I use the
word “friendly” very loosely as there was nothing friendly about the way that Tottonians play their rugby. As throughout the afternoon they used all their experience to try to knock lumps out of the Chineham pack. I use the word “try” very
loosely as most of their jiggery pokery was deemed expectable by the ref, who was a Tottonians player and obvious familiar with the Tottonian finer points of the game. What makes it harder to understand is the fact Tottonians can play some bloody
good rugby, and have a very experienced and quality half back combo, so why they feel the need to try to stop people going to work on Mondays is hard to stomach. Its a bit unfair for me to tarnish their whole team with the same brush, as the main
culprit was their number 4 followed closely by the tight head prop and number 12.
Having said all that, it was quite a good game. Tottonians started strongly and for the first 10 minutes Chineham were pinned on their own line. Chineham tackled like demons and eventually were awarded a relieving pressure penalty. Then against
the play Chineham opened the scoring when Gareth Kelly weaved his magic to dance his way to the line, Rasher missing the extras. 0 v 5
Tottonians came back strongly, helped by some strange decisions when on several occasions they were awarded the put in to the scrum when it appeared that they had offended by knocking on, but the ref (and only the ref) had seen a first knock on
offence by Chineham. The pressure finally resulting in a Tottonian try. 5 v 5 half time score
The scrums for the first 35 mins had been a complete joke with Mother and his opposite number taking it in turns to be penalised. The Tottonians prop protesting his innocence too much to the ref i thinks, and was constantly looking to draw Mother
into a fisty cuffs. I would like to say that Mother is too experienced a player to get drawn into a fight (as my own mother aways said “it is not big and its not clever”). But to everyone’s amazement Mother did start throwing handbags and for
only the second time in his 48 years on this earth he was warned by the ref. My highlight of the day happened at the very next scrum, as Chineham drove the Tottonian pack back 15 meters. From then on, the Chineham scrum was on top for the
remainder of the afternoon. A lesson to be learnt – get Mother mad at the first scrum.
Playing into the strong wind, Chineham scored a try at the beginning of the 2nd half. From deep inside his own half centre Colin Fatgutson kicked deep, for the flying wingman Dave Floyd (ok so maybe i am exaggerating a little) to chase. Dave
Floyd tackled the Tottonians fullback and then waited and waited and waited, for Colin to arrive after chasing his own kick. Once he did eventually arrive the Tottonians fullback was penalised for holding on. From the resulting penalty Johan
tapped and sneaked over for a try. Rasher added the extras 5 v 12.
That is as good as it got for Chineham, as from then on the Tottonians flyhalf weaved his magic with both the ball in hand and with some 50 yard touch line kicks to constantly pin Chineham in the own 22. Chineham tackled gamefully and restricted
Tottonians to two converted trys for a final score of 19 v 12 to the home side.
Positives for Chineham were again their defence and the battling spirit shown.
Chinehams man of the match was Colin Fatgutson for his midfield tackling, with others worthy of a mention being Dan Waller who continues to improve at fullback and 2nd row Andy Douglas who seemed to get to the breakdowns quicker than the backrow.
David Floyd
(Chineham player)
Saturday 31st October, 2009
TOTTONIANS 65
SALISBURY 0
Team plans were sent into disarray when the whole of the front row, messrs. Young, Coffin and Marshall, announced they would be throwing their considerable weight behind John & Edward at the X Factor live finals and would
not be available! Luckily the god they call Matthews knew they were filming The Bill on location in the area so some of Sunhill's finest helped the team out in their hour of need. Also El Capitano was invited to phone
'A Friend' and promptly did so, tracking him down on an Alpacca farm in New Milton. So he too took to the field of dreams for the Mighty Totts.
So, dramas over, the game kicked off to an almost frenetic pace of fast, slick passing rugby. Up front Sandy Penny and Mr Darcy Woodnut were behaving like bulldogs on acid
and promptly tore into the opponents' front row. God Matthews had obviously stayed up until the small hours reading The Art of A Good Hooker by Miles Smartmover
and it certainly paid dividends.
In the 2nd row, Donk and Big Cass (who is sponsored by the National Trust and is well worth a visit) were providing a rock solid platform for the team to dominate the
visitors. The back row joined in the fun, Gomez Holmes, Pit bull and Scrapper Angell swarming like love sick locusts all over the already
battle weary Salisbury forwards. Several tries were scored due to great off loading in the tackle from the rampant Vets. The pick of the tries was when Pit bull received the ball forty metres out and set
off like an excited boy at Willy Wonka's and weaved and bobbed his way to the try line. Pumpy Pegler promptly converted the aforementioned tries with great aplomb. The good handling was punctuated by
Snakehips James noticing there was a mole problem in the bottom corner of the field and proceeded to bombard the little varmint with pin point accuracy. Snakehips also managed
to add one of his trademark tries and fox-trotted his way into the opponents end zone revealing his lay off Alisha Dixon she ain't that bad shirt.
Half time came and changes were made.
The game slowed down a little as normally most of the lads have their afternoon nap at this time! The Wizard entered the fray when he threw down the captain's pipe and slippers, finished the Sudoko, scooped up
the ball, then casually strode over for another try. Filthy Animal Taylor joined the party and scampered over in the corner to finish a fine flowing move after several phases of play (someone pinch me – is this
for real?). Not to be outdone, the forwards bulldozed their way over for a pushover try which thankfully Scrapper Angell managed to hold onto this week. As the game approached its final phase,
Dickie “the sheep worrier” Pye assaulted a Salisbury winger on his space hopper and successfully bounced his victim somewhere into next week (Tuesday, I think). Never have I seen such playground
bullying since Gripper Stebson was at large at Grange Hill! Thankfully, though a little dazed, he did recover.
The referee, who incidentally had a fine game, blew the whistle and ended the encounter but to their credit Salisbury battled throughout and deserve special praise.
A memorable win 65 – 0.
A big thank you from El Capitano to all who participated in such a fine game, it made all the phone calls and texts to get a side out worthwhile.
Steve “El Capitano” Hurst
Saturday 14th March, 2009
HAVANT 0
TOTTONIANS 17
(I have published this report almost verbatim, because I think it contains some sort of secret code
and I don't want to unwittingly corrupt the built in de-ciphering algorithm — Bill.)
Preparations were thrown into disarray when 'Pit Bull' who had been appearing in the stage play of 'Schindlers List' all week forgot the water bottles and first aid kit (the villain suit had been
claimed without a ball played in anger).
And so to the game, a huge crowd had assembled, well two men and a dog and he only turned up because his dog was sick and heard Tottonians' Vets were in town.
Anyway, the game started with the usual frenetic pace associated with the Vets and the doughty forwards began to gain the upper hand. After sustained pressure the ball was fed out to 'Mario Pegler' who with men
outside him went alone and thankfully for him he scored and duly converted 7 – 0.
Most of the first half was taken up with the two sets of forwards trading blows, recipes and shoe leather. 'Insomnia Angell' was caught buffing his dirty boots on their second row who was having his mid afternoon nap
whilst laying on the ball. Once again the forwards, who were galvanised by 'Panther Northover' with a superb display of counter-rucking, gained a vice-like grip on the game. The ball was eventually fed out after
several phases of play to 'George of the Jungle, Captain Cave Man or Greystoke Kimber' to score on his debut, who incidentally was a far better option than the one handed pipe smoking dastardly captain!
'Mario Pegler' scuffed his conversion attempt but in his defence did not have his favourite kicking tee 12 – 0.
Half time came and changes were made. Unfortunately the Vets have been plagued by a mad gunman all season who duly hit poor 'Dunger' with his best shot yet so he couldn't grace the field of dreams, a savage blow
indeed.
The second half was much the same as the first with the highly charged Totts' forwards in total control. Unfortunately one of the 'Backdraft Boys Firefighter Holmes' realising he might not last the pace of a whole
game got himself binned for challenging the Havant No.9 to a pie eating and foot stamping competition. Still the fourteen men did not relinquish control of the game and 'The God they call Matthews' went on a mazy
thirty metres dash to score, Apparently he would have taken a more direct route but wanted to savour the moment a little longer. 'Mario' missed; 17 – 0.
The game got a little bit niggly when 'Pit bull' caught the Havant No.9 copying his algebra homework and a fight in the playground ensued.
As the game was nearing a glorious conclusion, Havant launched a final attack but lurking on the wing was 'The Love Walrus Coffin' who leapt out of the captain's deckchair, threw down his pipe and mugged the
unsuspecting winger, a try saving tackle. The ref blew the final whistle and the triumphant Vets left the field victorious with a 17 – 0 win.
A brilliant all round team performance, I love you all but especially you 'Snake Hips'.
El Capitano
Saturday 31st January, 2009
SALISBURY 8
TOTTONIANS 21
The captain won the toss and elected to keep uphill first half and then promptly returned to the wing with a good book, pipe and slippers.
The Vets were instructed to line up and not shoot until they saw the whites of their eyes as the “Salisbury Zulus” careered down the hill at them. Unfortunately 'Mad Dog' Taylor got the plot and his
films wrong! With a blue painted face he cried out “they can take my land but they can never take my freedom.”
Anyway back to the game, Salisbury exerted a fair bit of pressure and when given a penalty under the post elected to kick (a real let off). Back came the doughty Vets with the man of the moment 'Snake Hips' James,
once again with some more dirty dancing and conjured up another great try and was heard muttering, “Nobody puts baby in the corner”. 'Mario' Pegler duly connected to put the Vets in front at half time.
The second half, Salisbury brought on the entire cast of Grange Hill to add a youthful look to their side. Even so with 'Harry Potter' at 9, any back row moves were stopped in their tracks by the
'Mercurial Wizard' and 'Insomnia Angell' and the God they call 'Matthews'.
'Panther Northover' and 'Pit Bull Mutchmore' had dangerous runs thwarted by the 'Sarum Sniper', but as it turns out 'Pitbull' was not winged but got a thread
of his nylon hot pants caught in their back row's banjo! 'Snake Hips' took his dancing too far and was caught tangoing with the second row. Len Goodman gave a 7, the referee stated he
hadn't driven from Cornwall to see dancing like that and gave a yellow. In the absence of 'Snake Hips' the 'Husky Assassin' Smithy stepped in at 10 immediately he and
'The Stig' Dolbear took peanut smuggling to another level and outwitted the defence for the 'Stig' to score. 'Mario' stepped up and notched the conversion. Now firmly in control,
the Vets unleashed the best German weapon since The Doodlebug, Gerry 'The Jewish Tripod' onto the beleaguered Salisbury Colts. He promptly scythed his way through the reception class of Salisbury juniors and
scored. 'Mario' did his usual and kicked the conversion. The Salisbury pups were stung into action and promptly scored, but missed the conversion to leave the final score 21 – 8, a fine
win indeed.
Once again top effort from all involved and a very enjoyable win.
El Capitano
Saturday 24th January 2009
HAVANT 21
TOTTONIANS 19
After trekking across the Somme to get to the pitch, where incidentally we nearly lost Coff and Dickie to fatigue, the match kicked off at an almost frenzied pace with both sides trading possession. We fell to a sucker punch and
Havant scored. Miles Northover seized panther-like and intercepted a pass to gallop from fully thirty metres out to score under the posts.
“Snake Hips” James put in a brilliant display at the thought of being hauled off at half-time by the dastardly captain, and promptly scored a brilliant solo try to keep the valiant Vets in the game.
Havant then scored again. Dave Matthews grew a little tired of the second row hiking on his land, forcefully telling him to keep to the footpath in future!
In the second half Havant scored first. Then “Snake Hips” engineered another try to dance his way through the defence — Patrick Swayze you ain't seen nothing!
“Super Mario” Pegler stepped up to level the game and although the ball seemed to sail between the posts, the Havant touch judge did not put his flag up, so no points were awarded.
After this, the game descended into a brawl and the referee duly blew up because no one was taking any notice of him.
We then all retired to the bar — gallant losers 21 – 19.
Many thanks to all of you who put so much effort in. We wuz robbed!
“El Capitano” Steve Hurst
(Unfortunately, Steve's original report had to be heavily edited to comply with RFU guidelines! — Bill)
Saturday 20th December 2008
MATTHEWS EVEN MORE OUTSTANDING AGAINST VERWOOD
TOTTONIANS 22
VERWOOD 17
Tottonians' Veterans faced a young side from Verwood this week. Luckily the home side were fielding some of their more youthful players, some of whom, such as Dave Matthews, only just qualify for
veterans rugby and are clearly still in their prime.
The match started with a kick off and then followed some running and passing and some more kicking before the visitors scored an early try. The home side then knuckled down and showed some forward dominance over their younger and considerably
lighter opponents which resulted in the home side winning a five metres scrummage. The pack squeezed their opponents backwards towards their
own line before Dave Matthews broke from the back of the scrum and ran at least twenty-five metres before crashing over the line. That was the high spot of the game and after that frankly it went rapidly down
hill. There were several other moments of brilliance from Dave Matthews and on occasion some of the other members of the team allegedly got involved.
In the second half the home pack was considerably weakened by the ever-versatile Dave Matthews moving to inside centre . It has been rumoured that premier choice centres Paul Brading
and Ali Ramus have been in extra training over the Christmas period due to the impending threat to their first team No.12 shirts. The only saving grace for Paul and Ali is that apparently there is no
room for yet another ageing forward loitering in the first team back line.
The game ended with the final whistle and the home side victorious.
This was a close game and, as an unknown spectator observed, the difference between the two sides was the versatility of the athletic Dave Matthews, who continually got the better of his opponents and his own
team.
Anonymous
Saturday 8th December 2001
TOWNSEND OUTSTANDING AGAINST U.S. PORTSMOUTH
TOTTONIANS 10
US PORTSMOUTH 27
Murray Townsend (Club Hooker) scored twice in a superb performance against US Portsmouth today. Townsend commented that the distance was phenomenal, but he still easily achieved the touch-downs —
much to the delight of his fans and team-mates.
Try assists were provided by Phil "the scrumhalf" Davies. Both were last seen congratulating each other (alone) in the bar!
as reported (verbatim) by Murray Townsend